Can't even count on those

I thought I would be a widow by now. Hell, I thought I was going to be a widow on Boxing Day 2011.
Christmas Night  of that year,  I was lying awake next to Pat, who was doing his usual fitful sleeping and remember thinking, "he's going to be dead by morning and I'm not going to know why." Later in the Spring of 2012, I had a dream that my mother visited us from the other realm.  I kicked Pat to make sure he was still with me and she wasn't here on a "gathering" mission.

Pat had been sick for so long and then lost weight so quickly and deteriorated in other ways so quickly that by the time we got the Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis prognosis (dead 2-5 years from diagnosis) in May of 2012, I just assumed he would be gone within six months. I planned everything; what I would wear to the funeral, where I would sleep that night and wondered if our granddaughter would come stay with me for a couple of nights before I headed south to visit my sister in Florida.


Anticipating sudden, yet expected death does weird things to your mind.  Pat asked me to go to Barnes and Noble and buy him a book,  the second of the Rick Atkinson WWII series.  I looked at him and thought, 'Is he going to be around to finish it? Won't it depress him if he dies before he finishes that book?" and then I realized, "No, he won't be depressed, he'll be dead." Out of guilt, I went and bought him 10 books.

I wasn't the only one. My siblings all googled ALS, saw the stats  and rushed  here in  the summer of 2012 to get what they thought would be their last look at Pat.  We had a grand time and have had a couple of other visits with them since.  (In fairness I have to say that Pat's family was dealing with a series of serious illnesses and other things. They couldn't make it for visiting until a year later when things all shook out and then we had good times with them too.)

Another thing that happened was my health deteriorated. I kept on thinking, why should I go for a walk?  I don't want to miss these last few days with Pat worrying about my figure. And then in one week, my back went out and I got the cholesterol report.

So I guess the lesson is..Pat's still here, still got ALS, still reading those books and I'm trying to take care of me so I can take care of  him.

 I guess the only thing we can count on for sure is we will have to pay taxes.